The Saddest Lines
Ok, lets play a little game. Since I cannot write Terrin I have this new technology that is called the Draft folder. I write this email and I don't press send I 'move' it to the draft folder or maybe I will blog it.
This Hurts Terrin. I cannot tell you how much this hurts. I don't want to lose you. But what can I do? I have thought about it non-stop since Friday.
You know that you have never really told me how you feel about me. I have never heard things like Dan "I Love You", Dan "I Hate You". Yes you sign your emails with ‘Love’ but whatever.
What I have heard sticks with me though.
“How do you tell your boyfriend that you are seeing someone else?”
“I don't think he would want me emailing you.” (more on that in a minute).
Lets get some anger out. The email thing. Let me first tell you a few things. Let me say that I have been as open and honest with you every time that I have spoken to you and been with you. You know things about me that no one else does in the world and probably never will. You can take that to the grave.
That is what hurts too. I have been shut off to you.
I guess that is the way things are supposed to be in an intimate relationship. You share with each other.
I no longer have that access and from the sounds of it you want to stop talking to me completely. That fucking kills me Terrin. My heart aches, I mean that I am in physical pain. I keep throwing up. I don't want to eat. This is truly a form of Hell.
But I digress. Karma has come back to bite me on the ass for all the bad I have done.
I wished that I could go away. That would be the easiest thing. I feel so bad.
So I drive to work today and it's everything I can do not to keep driving to your place. I made it though.
I don't want to see you, it's too painful.
But I do want to see you. That is the fucking truth.
I want more than that. I hope this guy is fucking worth it.
Well actually he doesn't have to be since I must not be worth shit.
Things I need to change in my life:
I need to get a new job.
I need to get my shit together.
So now that I have lost you what should I do?
What should happen now? I keep my fucking chin up.
I keep going. I don't want to keep going.
It hurts too much.
What are my options though? I have none.
This is my life.
I have nothing Terrin. I mean I have cards and some gifts and some Pics. But what do I have in the future; they fucking represent the fucking past.
They are static. They will never gain meaning and talk to me about what you are feeling now. Or what you are doing now. Or how you are feeling now.
I have a response from you that says, "I don't think he would want me emailing you". Well isn't this nice. I have been asking for something for a long time. But I never got it. I have fucking nothing and no fucking access to you and your life. You have completely shut me out.
I have nothing.
I know I keep saying that but it scares me that I had you and now you don't exist. I wonder what it is going to be like if I see you, you are going to be like a ghost. I am going to have to ask myself whether or not you exist. The answer of course will be no.
You don't exist. You have become one of the many faces that I don't know and see during the day while walking.
Sometimes I look at them in the face and say hello, sometimes I just keep my head down. That hurts.
What I guess I do have is called the hug.
The hug is the last time I got to touch you.
I didn't want it to end. I didn't want to stop holding you.
You have never told me how you feel about me. All you ever say is that you have given your heart to someone else. That hurts that you are not open.
Once again
I am giving to you and you are not giving to me.
LAT
Life After Terrin.
So what is Life After Terrin?
Life after Terrin is going to be hard at first. The first step is to write these emails and save them into the draft folder instead of sending them to you.
I look at my life and some claim that I have everything. Some people will say that I could not ask for anything more. I look at my life and myself and think how fucked up I am and how fucked up it is.
This is really hard Terrin. Talking to you is going to be a hard habit to break.
I actually like talking to you. I haven’t treated you very well I guess. I can only be sorry and ask for forgiveness. I seem to continue to be sorry about many things.
This morning I write the saddest lines.
I really feel like shit. Oh well, I guess I better be off doing work. I wouldn't want to lose my job.
This Hurts Terrin. I cannot tell you how much this hurts. I don't want to lose you. But what can I do? I have thought about it non-stop since Friday.
You know that you have never really told me how you feel about me. I have never heard things like Dan "I Love You", Dan "I Hate You". Yes you sign your emails with ‘Love’ but whatever.
What I have heard sticks with me though.
“How do you tell your boyfriend that you are seeing someone else?”
“I don't think he would want me emailing you.” (more on that in a minute).
Lets get some anger out. The email thing. Let me first tell you a few things. Let me say that I have been as open and honest with you every time that I have spoken to you and been with you. You know things about me that no one else does in the world and probably never will. You can take that to the grave.
That is what hurts too. I have been shut off to you.
I guess that is the way things are supposed to be in an intimate relationship. You share with each other.
I no longer have that access and from the sounds of it you want to stop talking to me completely. That fucking kills me Terrin. My heart aches, I mean that I am in physical pain. I keep throwing up. I don't want to eat. This is truly a form of Hell.
But I digress. Karma has come back to bite me on the ass for all the bad I have done.
I wished that I could go away. That would be the easiest thing. I feel so bad.
So I drive to work today and it's everything I can do not to keep driving to your place. I made it though.
I don't want to see you, it's too painful.
But I do want to see you. That is the fucking truth.
I want more than that. I hope this guy is fucking worth it.
Well actually he doesn't have to be since I must not be worth shit.
Things I need to change in my life:
I need to get a new job.
I need to get my shit together.
So now that I have lost you what should I do?
What should happen now? I keep my fucking chin up.
I keep going. I don't want to keep going.
It hurts too much.
What are my options though? I have none.
This is my life.
I have nothing Terrin. I mean I have cards and some gifts and some Pics. But what do I have in the future; they fucking represent the fucking past.
They are static. They will never gain meaning and talk to me about what you are feeling now. Or what you are doing now. Or how you are feeling now.
I have a response from you that says, "I don't think he would want me emailing you". Well isn't this nice. I have been asking for something for a long time. But I never got it. I have fucking nothing and no fucking access to you and your life. You have completely shut me out.
I have nothing.
I know I keep saying that but it scares me that I had you and now you don't exist. I wonder what it is going to be like if I see you, you are going to be like a ghost. I am going to have to ask myself whether or not you exist. The answer of course will be no.
You don't exist. You have become one of the many faces that I don't know and see during the day while walking.
Sometimes I look at them in the face and say hello, sometimes I just keep my head down. That hurts.
What I guess I do have is called the hug.
The hug is the last time I got to touch you.
I didn't want it to end. I didn't want to stop holding you.
You have never told me how you feel about me. All you ever say is that you have given your heart to someone else. That hurts that you are not open.
Once again
I am giving to you and you are not giving to me.
LAT
Life After Terrin.
So what is Life After Terrin?
Life after Terrin is going to be hard at first. The first step is to write these emails and save them into the draft folder instead of sending them to you.
I look at my life and some claim that I have everything. Some people will say that I could not ask for anything more. I look at my life and myself and think how fucked up I am and how fucked up it is.
This is really hard Terrin. Talking to you is going to be a hard habit to break.
I actually like talking to you. I haven’t treated you very well I guess. I can only be sorry and ask for forgiveness. I seem to continue to be sorry about many things.
This morning I write the saddest lines.
I really feel like shit. Oh well, I guess I better be off doing work. I wouldn't want to lose my job.
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