No seriously - No seriously

What a freaking world.

I am done with T now and once again it has ended in disaster.

After Love, hate, tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of wonderful bliss, two abortions, divorce, rehab, Public Intoxication and DUI it is over. The stage in my life could not have been worse. She was emotionally unstable and emotionally immature. I could not have picked a better candidate to fail with. I would like to say that I learned something but I don't know what I did other than I should let someone else pick the person that I am going to be with rather than using my illustrious free will.

What is love? What is it all about.
Am I the only one doomed to serial monogamy? Is that what this is all about?

So - Here's What's up!

Hello world, I am back. And guess what, more problems when it is related to women.

For the past month I met and have been seeing this girl.

I will call her T
(I have a thing for T's huh).

Anyway - she claims to be moved by the moon. Waxing and Waning. I can't argue with that, she does seem to be hot and cold.

Ok let me say a few things about her situation. She is getting a divorce. She has kids. She has baggage.

I am not that great of a person myself. I realize that.

So I just don’t know where to go with this. At all. I love her. She is someone that I get along with; she is someone that I can talk to.

At the same time she tells me that she doesn’t want to talk to me for several days because she needs time to think about everything.

So my conclusions are: - Is she afraid that we are moving too fast? Is she not in love with me? Yes – it’s only been a month.

But here is my real problem:
When I think about it I start to feel weird. Like anxiety. Like I start to sweat, hyperventilate almost. I am losing sleep over this, it is physically affecting me. I am losing weight.

In any case, I am not sure what to do about her and about this situation.

Should I just move on? Should I just wait? I think she is worth it but I don’t really know.

Current Status

I have received much email about my current status. I am currently alive, but more on that later.

OT

As the time grows nearer and my stomach ache worsens I think about you.

If I may I need to talk to the OT please.
Dan- You commented on me emailing you in the morning. You said you always looked forward to hearing from me.
OT- That's right, I looked forward to it.
D - I didn't know what to say most of time. I will say this, I loved your emails. I loved the fact that you would tell me each and every detail. I never said that to you.
OT - You didn't think that I blabbed too much.
D- I would say not enough.
OT - Come on they were too long.
D - I wished I had one to read right now OT.
NT - Hey remember me? To hell with you.
D - I am talking to the OT right now, can I at least have that?
OT - It's ok NT I will be ok.
D - I really do wish I had one right now.
OT - Let me try to make one for you if it helps the pain.
Well last night at choir practice we sang this song that I really like. It was hard for me because I have been sick. I am not all the way well yet.
But I made it through. Then I watched some TV before I was called by my mom wondering if I made that ticket purchase. I can't wait to go and see her. She can't wait to see me.
D - Thanks OT, that is what I remember and you have made me cry.
OT - No problem babe.

OT and NT

Dear Old Terrin-
I have lots of stuff to do this morning; it should be lots of fun. (Sarcasm). What have you got planned?
What is your weekend going to entail?
New Terrin - I will be hosting a party and you are not invited.
Old Terrin - You should have been invited Dan, I would have invited you.
Dan- I know OT, but the NT is in control.
NT - I have taken control of our life OT and he is not welcome in it.
OT - Can I break away? You don't need me do you NT?
NT - No, you are a part of me, I need you, you help define me. Besides, you are a reminder of the mistakes I have made in the past.
Dan - For as much as I would like to see the break, I have to agree with NT. OT, NT needs you in case I ever show up again. OT, you will be the reminder for NT never to let this happen again.
OT - I am speechless.
Dan - I am too OT.
NT - Well I am strong and you two are weak. So let me be the driving force. OT you are with me, stop talking to Dan. And as for you Dan, bugger off. The OT and NT have things to do, like work, like get on with our lives. None of this involves you. None of it. Not our love life, not our work life. Nothing. Stop it.
Dan - I think I like the OT better. NT you are really hurtful.

The Split

Dan- Good morning Terr
Terrin - What do you want, you know you call me and wake me up too early.
Dan - I just want to hear your voice.
Terrin - My voice that isn't even awake yet.
Dan - It's beautiful to me.
Terrin - What do you want Dan.
Dan - You.
Terrin - Why do you do this?
Dan - I can't help it. It's something inside me.
Terrin - Yeah, it's something all right.
Dan - Common, I am trying to be suave.
Terrin - Save it, I never loved you. You are wasting your time.
Dan - Do you mean that?
Terrin - Why does it matter, I have already forgotten you.

I have decided to divide you into 2. From now on there is the New Terrin and there is the Old Terrin.
The Old Terrin is the one that I know and am most familiar. I will probably speak with her most often.

Stages of Grief

Well this is day 2 of writing to myself and thinking that I am writing you. It seems to have helped. Some things that have been troubling me though. This process is like you have died.
So from college I looked up the stages of grief
***********************
http://www.wyfda.org/basics_4.html
The first reaction was shock. The universal first reaction to hearing the news was, "No."
The second stage that quickly followed was denial.
"This can't be happening to me."
The third stage was anger. This anger was usually directed at God, nature, or luck, but needed to be understood by the family because it usually became directed at them at some point.
The fourth stage was bargaining. The patient typically hoped that God would extend their life or cure them in exchange for promised behavior.
The fifth stage was grieving. This is usually the longest lasting stage of the cycle and is marked by deep depression and mood changes.
The final stage was acceptance. Once this stage is reached, the patient usually used whatever time remaining to "put their house in order." There was a marked peace in the patient's mood. Death was not a feared event.
***********************

I think that I am at the acceptance stage. I went to bed thinking that I was going to get up and come see you and by the time I got to sleep I thought it was better to stay away. You know Terrin this really sucks. Just wanted to say that.

There was another point in my life that this happened. It was Sally. I went crazy for an entire year. I mean crazy and did crazy shit.

Needless to say I haven't seen you. I just want to know you are at least thinking about your "Friend".

In the beginning of all of this I kept throwing up. Things are getting better. To think about you still makes me get upset though. Very much so.

So I have the email here from yesterday and I debate whether you will ever see it. It might hurt you too much Terrin. I don't want to hurt you in the least bit. I want a hug.

If I could turn back time. Every time that you said you needed a hug I wished I could run to your aid. I really need one now. I mean I really wished that I could be in your arms and hold you close.

More later.

Doomed

I wonder how you look today.
It always surprised me how good you always looked. I would have thought since I started thinking about you in a different manner that you might start to appear differently.
You don't in my mind though. Still the same beautiful woman that I remember. I am doomed. I mean really doomed.
I see no exit in this.
And I am sure you have experienced this in your life.
Sadness, so intense that my eyelids are so heavy that it is hard to keep them open. I guess I could be mad. But what would that matter?

thanks

I have never written so much down about you and about me and you.
Ok, here are my latest exploits. I have gone through emails and on some you wrote "thank you (or thanks) for being such a good friend".
What the fuck, why would you want to close our friendship. In the very least I have tried to be there for you. And do stuff and be nice, including this situation. I have tried to be nice. What the fuck Terrin.
A nice little thanks. Thanks, thanks for nothing is what you meant. That is what you should have put it. Why did you mean something so nice at one time and could change your mind later. Why??

Miss you

I am trying to be as nice to you as possible. There is no way I can send this email. I would rather read it to you, but I know we aren't seeing each other. That is the only way that I could get out of you hating me more. I really miss you Terrin. I really really miss you.
I cannot say in words how empty this makes me feel.